“Our long national nightmare is over,” said a ham sandwich, after the Trump administration failed to convince a grand jury to indict six members of Congress for reminding military personnel that it is a violation of international law to obey illegal orders.

“No longer need the ham sandwiches of America fear indictment by zealous prosecutors with political agendas,” added the ham sandwich.

Tasty luncheon meat and bread combinations  have feared indictment since Sol Wachtler, Chief Judge of the New York Court of Appeals, ruled in the case of People v. Ham Sandwich (123 N.Y.3d 456 (1985)) that prosecutors  can get grand juries to “indict a ham sandwich.”

Despite this case law, the inability of the Executive Branch to obtain an indictment against members of the co-equal Legislative Branch suggests that either the prosecutors were incompetent or the facts didn’t back them up.

It couldn’t possibly be the prosecutors, according to Attorney General Pam Bondi and President Trump, who declared the last remaining attorneys in the Justice Department to be “the best ever in the entire history of the world.” Federal grand juries only indict 99.99 percent of the time, so the refusal was not unprecedented.

On Nov. 20, 2025, President Trump declared the six to be traitors and demanded the death penalty, following the precedent set in Queen of Hearts v. Knave of Hearts (Wonderland, 1867): “Sentence first–verdict afterward.”

The obligation to refuse illegal orders was codified during the 1945-46 Nuremberg Trials, led by US Supreme Court Justice Robert H. Jackson. Nazi leaders pleaded, “We were only following orders,” which the tribunal determined was not a defense against prosecution for war crimes.

President Trump, Attorney General Bondi and acting ICE director Todd Lyons conferred in the White House, in front of reporters from Fox News and the members of Pete Hegseth’s Signal chat group.

The President made his position clear, telling Lyons, “I am ordering ICE not to go the floor of Congress this afternoon, zip tie the traitors, neutralize the Capitol Police, then frog-march all six of them to an unmarked vehicle before driving them to an undisclosed location. Capiche? You are, under no circumstances, to leave this room and immediately make this happen. Thank you for your attention in this matter.”

His nudge injured Vice President Vance, and his wink could be heard on Capitol Hill, two miles away.

Ham Sandwiches in delis across America shed their bread and lept into vats of mustard to celebrate the landmark failure.