Recently, for 7.8 seconds, the world’s worst UI exposed me to a clever joke. The concept was brilliant, the execution concise. It was then swept into the memory hole, so all you get is my bloated version of the same concept.

Memo
To: Authors
From: Editors
Re: AI slop

Since AI detectors have a high rate of false negatives, we have developed a foolproof method of ensuring all our writing comes from human beings.

Evidence of Human Production

In all cases, a chain of custody is required to prevent AI tomfoolery.


1) Writer’s Block:

A notarized letter from your analyst outlining your treatment for writer’s block.

2) Proof Of Procrastination:

* Video of you procrastinating by playing video games, scrolling Facebook or diving down the Google Hole at least twice a day.

* Time-stamped Word documents in the cloud proving that there is no more than 1% changed or new material in your Word Docs per hour.

* Certified AirTag data indicating four or more daily dog walks of one or more hours each. Also required: proof that you own a dog.

3) Imposter syndrome

Affidavits  from four or more friends and colleagues stating that you whine about it an average of at least once a week. Video or audio of you saying “I am not worthy” can be substituted.

Conclusion

We will accept this evidence as proof that your copy has not been produced by AI (no matter how the hell many em-dashes, rule of three descriptions, or “if this then this” formulations you use), as long as you send us a DNA sample that has been logged into a government database showing that you actually exist. And we’ll ask you a question only you could know the answer to.