Humor
Travel Suggestions1
Any of you who travel for business in these cost-cutting days can relate to this perennial list of travel suggestions. Send them to your friends at work, with a spoof “From” address that makes them appear to be from the travel department. Or simply paste them into a message and ask, “Did you get this e-mail from the travel department?” The line between parody and reality grows ever thinner. I could almost have believed these came from my company.
Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation:
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example,
If a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sam’s stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous:
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.’
Pearly Gates2
It seems that St. Peter met a man who had just passed on at the pearly gates. St. Peter offered him the grand tour, and of course the man accepted.
As they were strolling along, they passed many groups of people laughing and celebrating, praying and studying, and doing all kinds of things. Some were Christians and some were Moslems and some were Jews and some were Pagans. There were even some Atheists, just marveling at the beauty all around them! One of the groups they passed was having a picnic, and there were pink triangles and rainbow flags everywhere.
“Aren’t the colors pretty?” St. Peter asked. “They always make me so happy!”
They continued on, and soon they came to a great wall. It was so high that no one could see over it, and so broad that no one could see around it.
“What’s in here?” the man asked.
“Oh, I’d like to show you,” St. Peter answered, “but I’m afraid we aren’t allowed in there.”
“What?” the man exclaimed. “Why ever not?”
St. Peter sighed. “Well,” he said, “you see that’s where we keep the fundamentalists. They’re just happier thinking they’re the only ones up here.”
The Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 19983
From Top5 List
6 Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.’
5 It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur’ Genius Grant.’
4 Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.’
3 Our article describing O.J. Simpson as’ slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…
2 As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.
1 ”Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”
Funny Mergers4
I know Leah Garchik came in for some criticism when I ran similar items of hers two weeks ago, but she does cite her sources; now maybe those sources plagiarized them…
Some inspiring imaginary mergers from George and Brendan Ward, tycoons of industry:
— New York Life Insurance, Pacific Dental and Blue Shield: NYPD Blue.
— Seagrams, Ms. Magazine, Leica, Old Crow and Early Times: Sea Ms. Leica Old Times.
— Safeway and Saks Fifth Avenue: Safe Saks.
P.S. A real-life merger: When Alan Bodine bought a pair of Vasque hiking boots recently, he learned that Red Wing shoes had bought Vasque. “Could I have been duped in my purchase,” he writes, “by agents of a Vasque-Red Wing conspiracy?”
If Cars Were Like Windows5
(probably apocryphal ) At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that if car prices were PC prices, the car would cost about $27
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For unknown reasons, your car would crash twice per day.
2. Every road repainting would require purchase of new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just adjust, accept, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size gluteus maximus, so pity the small or the large.
9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out refusing to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Each time GM introduced a new model, car buyers must learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as those in the old car.
13. You’d press the “start” button to shut the car down.
Stock Market Report6
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
If AOL Were A City7
(You have to be over 50 for this to be really funny)
You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from http://www.BS-R-US.com
The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important you are to us.”
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his worthless company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called your cell phone saying “Wanna do it”
Those that didn’t do that would call you and say “Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!”
Even your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying “Ya got two chances left, bonehead. ROFLMAO LOL!!”
You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.
You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently playing there. Note: Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called Ms Kitty <mskitty@katscratch.com>
Employee Evaluations 8The person who sent these topped them with a note that said “some of these have been around a long time, but some are new. They were half right. (it includes that darn word actual again)
THESE USEFUL QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
“A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
One Liners9
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
*If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
*Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
*For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* I had a joke about a broken pencil but it was pointless.
* I couldn’t figure out why the frisbee kept getting larger and larger: then it hit me!
*Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday; the rest are weekdays.
* What is a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips.
* Why did the pirate go on vacation? To get a little AAAR! & AAAR!
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Memes
Paul E. Schindler Jr.
