Sung To The Tune Of

A 1961 collection of Mad Magazine “Sung To The Tune Of-style” song parodies angered composers and publishers, who sued. The case was named for Irving Berlin, one of the plaintiffs. In 1964, Berlin v. E.C. Publications, Inc.¹

(Songbook Contents)

The suit backfired. The district court ruled in favor of the magazine, as did the appeals court. The Supreme Court didn’t accept the publishers’ appeal, so the case firmly established the “right to parody” in this country.

The 20-page 1961 songbook at the center of the case, Sing Along With Mad, is available as a PDF file on the Internet Archive.

The 1971 songbook, which apparently produced no epochal legal decisions, is available as a book, but not in electronic form.

I thought I was buying a collection of Mad song parodies for my friend Clark, but no. So I scoured the Internet for as many lyrics as possible written after the song book. Here are the ones I could find. I had a pretty good collection, but a reader wrote to point out one I was missing some.

Help I’ve fallen into a Google hole and I can’t get up.

If you have a PhD in Google searching you could do all this yourself. I know because I do played a PhD on television. There are a lot of bad transcripts and illegible PDFs of these parody lyrics. I have tried to gather the best compendium of “To The Tune Of” on the Internet for those less fully gifted than myself. I stand on the shoulders of a giant (Doug Gilford–your source for all things Mad) a large number of these PDFs are his (with more to come). I like to think gathering them here makes them easier to find.

I started transcribing all these links from the PDFs, and then I realized a) I didn’t care THAT much and
b) there are not enough hours left in my life to transcribe all these lyrics.

Table of Contents²

³All White Song

⁴Sung To The Tune Of The Trolley Song

⁵Single TV Show Themes

⁶Porn In The USA

⁷I’m For Hire (Bill Cosby)

⁸TV Show Theme Songs

⁹Yet More TV Theme Songs

¹⁰The Parents’ Anthem
The Week-End Gardner’s Hymn|
The Consumers’ Fight Song
The Tippers’ Chant

¹¹The Sunday Drivers Cheer
The Shoppers’ Fight Song
The Taxpayer’s Rouser

¹²Chopped Liver
(sung to the tune of Moon River)

Chopped Liver,
onions on the side
my social life has died, from you
My friends shun me, they out-run me
the smell of my breath,
is slow death, sad but true
My odors’ twice as bad as beer
and people who drink beer agree
I know that my breath will not end
always I’ll offend, my halitosis friends
Chopped liver, in me.

¹³Mama, look an H bomb
(Sung To The Tune of Mama Look a Boo Boo )

Mama, look an H bomb
They shout…
Their mama tell them,
Watch for fall out.
Look at your daddy,
He know.
Was fallout make him ugly so.
Chorus..
Hit the dirt,
Join the crowd.
Mama, look, a mushroom cloud….

¹⁴It’s A Grand Old Bag
(Sung To The Tune of It’s A Grand Old Flag)

It’s a grand old bag
It’s a nice plastic bag
And we find them on all of our clothes.

A kid can play
The live long day
And take them wherever he goes.
It’s a lot more fun
Than a doll or a gun,
And you can wave them around like flags.

Should all auld acquaintance be forgot
Keep your head out of plastic bags.

¹⁵This is Final Jeopardy!
(original tune not known)
Having trouble with this category.
Today’s champion won’t be me.
Don’t know Greek mythology.
Hope my friends don’t watch the show.
Then they’ll say there’s nothing that I know and
I’ll look like a total heel
Wish instead I’d gone… on… Wheel!

Hello, Deli¹⁶
(Sung To The Tune of Hello Dolly)

Ths is Joe, Deli
Would you please send up
Some nice corned beef on rye?

A box of Ritz, Deli
And some Schlitz, Deli
Some chopped liver
And a sliver of your apple pie

Turkey legs, Deli
Hard boiled eggs, Deli
Some tomatoes and potatoes you French fry

Oooohhhh

Please don’t be late, Deli,
‘Cuz I can’t wait, Deli,
Deli, without breakfast I will die!

¹⁷Ground Round
(Sung To The Tune of Tony Hatch’s Downtown, as performed by Petula Clark)

When you eat meat
but hate the meat you are eating
Then you’ve surely got
Ground round

It’s so unnerving
when they’re constantly serving
In an eating spot
Ground round

They may call it chopped steak,
Salisbury or beef patty
No matter what it’s called
It’s always overcooked and fatty

What can you do?
Sound off to your waiter there
Loudly pound on the table,
Stand up on the chair,
And shout,

Ground Round,
Piled on my plate I see
Ground Round,
Always you’re conning me
Ground Round,
Why must it always be
Ground round, ground round….

Wrap Your Gift¹⁸
(Sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Wrap your gifts with fingers agile, Fa la la…
Seal it up and mark it “fragile”, Fa la la…
There’s no reason to feel nervous, Fa la la, la la la…
You can trust the postal service, Fa la la…

Hear the postal worker singing, Fa la la…
As your parcel he is flinging, Fa la la…
See it crumple in the bin there, Fa la la, la la la…
Aren’t you sorry you walked in there, Fa la la…

See your parcel speed to Philly, Fa la la…
Through the air to cousin Billy, Fa la la…
It will end up in Savanah, Fa la la, la la la…
Via Nome and Butte, Montana, Fa la la…
¹⁹

We Three Clods From Omaha Are
(Sung To The Tune of We Three Kings)We three clods from Omaha are
Spending Christmas Eve in a car
Driving, drinking,
Glasses clinking,
Who needs a lousy bar?

Ohh…
Drink to Charlie. Drink to Paul
Drink to friends we can’t recall
Swerving, speeding
Signs unheeding
Drink to anything at all

We three clods are feeling no pain
Drunk as skunks with booze on the brain
Senses losing
‘Til we’re cruising
Into a wrong way lane

Ohh…
Drink to Melvin. Drink to Fred
Drink to those two trucks ahead
Headlights flashing
Screeching, crashing
Drink till they pronounce us dead

Oh Little Bank Americard (found here, along with other funny Christmas lyrics) :

²⁰Oh, little Bank Americard
(Sung To The Tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem)

You bring me Christmas Cheer
Without your clout
I have no doubt
No gifts I’d give this year.
Your credit line allows me
To run up bills quite large
And when I’m through
Exhausting you
I’ll use my Master Charge.

(Same tune, sung in late February)

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me discontent
I calculate
Your int’rest rate
Is over (twelve) percent.
Each month, your cry for payments
My letter-box bombards;
I’m one more sap
Caught in your trap
Next year I’ll just send cards.

²¹Out there on the sidewalk
(Sung To The Tune of Away In A Manger):

Out there on the sidewalk a Santa Claus stands,
Beside a fake chimney, a bell in his hands;
A second one’s smoking a smelly cigar;
A third one is picking his teeth in a bar;

A fourth Santa’s trying to pick up a blonde;
A fifth one is drunk in the gutter beyond;
A sixth one is part of a window display;
The seventh and eighth ones appear to be gay;

They’re fat and they’re skinny, They’re short and they’re tall;
And none of them look like the real one at all;
With so many Santas it’s tough to keep score —
Small wonder that kids don’t believe any-more.

²²Amoeba!
(Sung To The Tune of Maria, from West Side Story)
They call this gray blob an amoeba!
But though it has one cell
It really does quite well
It’s true!

Amoeba!
Just look at that crazy Amoeba!
Contentedly it sits
Then suddenly it splits
In two!

Amoeba!
It’s dividing again into four cells!
And those four cells will split into more cells!
Amoeba!
There’s nothing quite like the amoeba!

²³Bridge Team Anthem
(Sung To The Tune of The Caisson Song)

Bid a heart, bid a spade
Bid a game that can’t be made
As the bridge team goes rolling along.

And we set the pace
As we ruff our partner’s Ace.
Call out your numbers long and strong
(minus 990, minus 1400, lose 18)

Miss a slam by one trick
Watch your partner getting sick
As the bridge team goes ruffing along.

For it’s hi hi hee
We’ve got vulnerability
Shout out three notrump loud and strong,
Down four!

And we set the pace
As we ruff our partner’s Ace.
As the bridge team goes ruffing along.

²⁴When you’re a Red
(Sung To The Tune of When You’re A Jet from West Side Story)

When you’re a Red
You’re a Red all the way
From your first Party purge
To your last power play!

When you’re a Red
You’ve got agents galore;
You give prizes for peace
While they stir up a war!

You set off a test,
And when you’re halfway through it–
You point at the West
And say they drove you to it!
That’s how you do it!

We are the Reds …
With a punch in the face …
Which we’re aiming today …
At the whole human race …
At the whole–! Ever–! Trusting–! Human–! Race!

²⁵HELLO DELI
(Sung To The Tune Of Hello Dolly)

Hello Deli,
this is Joe, Deli
would you please send up
a nice corned beef on rye.

A box of RITZ, Deli
and some Schlitz, Deli
Some chopped liver
and a sliver or your, apple pie.

Turkey Legs, Deli
hard boiled eggs, Deli
and a plate of those potatoes you french fry, oh

Don’t be late, Deli
I just can’t wait Deli,
Deli without breakfast, I’d just die.

²⁶The Tax Man

(Sung To The Tune of ?Glory Halleluiah? They come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.

Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.

²⁷It’s Not Necessarily Stoke!
(Sung To The Tune of It Ain’t Necessarily So)

Mad Magazine‘s 1967 race issue featured a parody version with Martin Luther King Jr. singing, “It’s not necessarily Stoke! It’s not necessarily Stoke! No, him you can’t trust in, Just ask Bayard Rustin. Oh it’s not necessarily Stoke!” (in reference to civil rights leader Stokely Carmichael)

²⁸Send In The Crew
(Sung To The Tune Of Send In The Clowns)

Spock: Isn’t it strange? Does it seem queer?
Him playing Captain again, me with my ears?
Send in the crew.”
Kirk: “Look at me now, at my old post,
Happy that I can forget Barbary Coast.
Where is my crew? Send in my crew!”

Teamsters Anthem²⁹
(Sung To The Tune of The Caisson Song)
On the street, on the road
we won’t carry a full load
as the teamsters go rolling along.
Make them pass on the right,
keep your union card in sight
as the teamsters go rolling along.
For it’s hi, hi, hey, when we want a raise in pay
we shout out our grievance loud and strong –
yeah, yeah,
and when e’re we like, we just call a strike
and the country stops rolling along.

³⁰Dentists Anthem
(Sung To The Tune of Off We Go Into That Wild Blue Yonder)

Off we go into that wide mouth yonder
looking for molars to fill.
There’s a tooth waiting to feel our thunder
at it boys, give it the drill – rat-a-tat-tat.

We dislike cavities left untreated,
teeth look bad full of decay.
When we’re in doubt, we pull them out,
oh nothing can stop a dentist today.

Garbage Men Anthem³¹
(Sung To The Tune of Anchors Aweigh)

Ash cans away, my boys, ash cans away.
Let’s hear you make some noise,
we’ll wake them up to-day-ay-ay-ay.
Egg shells and coffee grounds,
grease from the pan
can’t make ear-splitting noise
so dump that garbage, dump that garbage can.

³²Car Salesmen Anthem
(Sung To The Tune of The Marine Hymn)

From the gaudy grills of Cadillac
To the fins of Chevrolet,
We will push GM’s new mo-o-dels
And make obsolescence pay.
So to heck with Ford and Chrysler, boys,

And to sports cars from afar,
We won’t stop til every family
Owns a brand new GM car.

³³Barbers’ Song
(Sung To The Tune of George M. Cohan’s Over There)Over There
In his hair, in his hair
sprinkle goo, spill shampoo in his hair.
Give that man a crew cut, or try a new cut
but make sure you cut off his hair.
In your chair, in your chair
give your views while he stews in your chair. . .
cause he can’t get up, til you’re finished with his hair.

³⁴Makin’ Out
General Disco Parody

I wanna break out loose and swing,
Have myself a crazy fling
‘Til those bells ring ding-a-ling as loud as can be;
But I never hear them chime
‘Cause I chicken out each time
And I know the only ding-a-ling is me!

Makin’ out! Makin’ Out!
I tell myself I could be, should be, makin’ out!
But all I’m makin’ out from all this makin’ out
Is that everyone’s makin’ out but me!

There’s this groovy chick I know
But we had no place to go,
So we tried it in my Maverick instead,
But there’s no guarantees
When the dashboard hits your knees
And the steering wheel is wrapped around your head!

Chorus:

Makin’ out! Makin’ out!
I hear that there are Oakland Raiders makin’ out!
Ralph Nader’s got his hot crusaders makin’ out!
In Star Wars you just know Darth Vader’s makin’ out!
Makin’ out!
Jack Sprat when not eatin’ fat is makin’ out!
The Wolfman, any place he’s at, is makin’ out!
I’ve even seen a Muppet that is makin’ out!
Makin’ out!
Everyone’s makin’ out!

There’s this dude who’s really great!
And last night I told him straight
That I’d like some close encounters with him now…
But we’ll never get it on,
‘Cause I knew my chance was gone
When he told me that I had to show him how!
Chorus:

Makin’ out! Makin’ out!
Now Archie Bunker, out’a shape is makin’ out!
And Superman without his cape is makin’ out!
King Kong when he’s goin’ ape is makin’ out!
Makin’ out!
Now Frankenstein, though still in shock, is making out!
I’ve even heard that Mr. Spock is making out!
Would you believe that my pet rock is making out?
Makin’ out!
Everyone’s makin’ out!

There’s this girl I used to see,
She was very hot for me!
But she had to know the date when I was born…
It turns out, don’t you know,
That she is a Scorpio
Who won’t mess around with any Capricorn

Chorus:

Makin’ out! Makin’ out!
Steve Austin, when he takes it slow, is makin’ out!
Ol’ Santa with a “Ho Ho Ho!” is makin’ out!
While underwater, Jacques Cousteau is makin’ out!
Makin’ out!
The Fonz you know ‘most every night is makin’ out!
And Charlie Brown, though he’s uptight, is makin’ out!
Count Dracula with just one bite is makin’ out!
Makin’ out!

Final Chorus:
Makin’ out! Makin’ Out!
Most everyone today you see is makin’ out!
Most everyone, you will agree, is makin’ out!
But all I’m makin’ out from all this makin’ out
Is that everyone’s makin’ out,
Everyone’s makin’ out,
Everyone’s makin’ out,
But me!

The Song Of The Commuters³⁵

³⁶The Underpaid Employees’ March

1 EC Publishers was Mad Magazine; case citation is 329 F.2d 541 (2d Cir. 1964) ↩︎
Table of Contents ↩︎
All White Song ↩︎
Sung To The Tune Of The Trolley Song ↩︎
Singable TV Show Themes ↩︎
Porn In The USA ↩︎
I’m For Hire (Bill Cosby) ↩︎
TV Show Theme Songs ↩︎
Yet More TV Theme Songs ↩︎
The Parents’ Anthem
The Week-End Gardner’s Hymn|
The Consumers’ Fight Song
The Tippers’ Chant ↩︎
The Sunday Drivers Cheer
The Shoppers’ Fight Song
The Taxpayer’s Rouser ↩︎
Chopped Liver ↩︎
Mama, look an H bomb ↩︎
It’s A Grand Old Bag ↩︎
This is Final Jeopardy! ↩︎
Hello, Deli ↩︎
Ground Round ↩︎
Wrap Your Gift ↩︎
We Three Clods From Omaha Are ↩︎
Oh, little Bank Americard ↩︎
Out there on the sidewalk ↩︎
Amoeba! ↩︎
Bridge Team Anthem ↩︎
When you’re a Red ↩︎
Hello Deli ↩︎
The Tax Man ↩︎
It’s Not Necessarily Stoke! ↩︎
Send In The Crew ↩︎
Teamsters Anthem ↩︎
Dentists Anthem ↩︎
Garbage Men Anthem ↩︎
Car Salesmen Anthem ↩︎
Barbers’ Song ↩︎
Makin’ Out ↩︎
The Song Of The Commuters ↩︎
The Underpaid Employees’ March ↩︎

Paul E. Schindler Jr.

Links of Note

P.S. A Column On Things